It hasn't gone away.

5:24am.

I feel the pain as acutely as I did when I went to bed.

I think I did sleep a bit. I think that's all I'm going to get tonight.

I feel myself running down the same path Don was running through. A path of oblivion.

I know myself quite well after all, I'm just as what I described earlier.

It was inevitable... even when I came out of it seemingly fine and okay, I couldn't. It still caught up with me.

This monster... the schizophrenic, crazed monster... I have turned into it last night already...

I wish I didn't. I wish it just go away. I wish I would be fine as ever anyways.

Lets see how much self-psychotherapy I can do for myself tonight.

Nothing has changed. Except perhaps Jac thinks I'm utterly disgusting now. But other than that nothing has changed.

Before last night, nothing changed as well. Jac was still Jac.

If nothing has changed why am I feeling this way?

Where does the monster come from? Where did the monster come from today?

It was the show that brought him around. The pursuit of happiness...

The horrible situation Chris Gardener was in... a situation I never want to be even close to yet, I somehow admire...

His child who stayed and trusted him... that was the trigger. His Wife didn't have such trust... Chris' child, was the one who saved him in the end. Not because he's Chris' child, but because he was the only one in the world who stayed with him when he was down and trusted him for real. Isn't that what a spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend supposed to do? Have trust? Am I the only one doing things the wrong way? When it comes to big things, I have ultimate trust in my loved ones.

I felt terrible when I thought about how much Jac trusts me these days. How similar was Chris' wife's behavior until she left. When her trust goes out the door, she will soon follow. Just as Jac. How come the movie affected me so much that even a day of lectures and walking around and studying and moping didn't bring me any further from this horrid thought?

I felt terrible too when I thought of the times I really really trusted Jac in times that I really needed her to shine. She failed in all those times. Just as I had sometimes.

It all became exacerbated when Jac didn't say much anymore. She doesn't say much anymore. Not during emails too. She is quick to leave me behind. Something I don't do. But she prolly had lots of practice. It was like she was talking to a pest. The way I was acting I prolly was quite the pest. But she didn't even care. It was painful to think it that way. Because if there was anything in this relationship that I have done, I have always cared when she was upset. Whether or not I was the one who made her upset. I would call, SMS, do anything in my power to contact her and talk to her and make sure things are solved, or at least she is feeling better. When it came down to me being so horribly upset, and she didn't even think about caring until the end... it hurt me a thousand times more I swear. I think that's when I started becoming more and more psychotic about it.

All this just becomes proof to my secret belief that when it comes to our relationship problems, she will not step up and try to solve or help anything.

I never wanted to believe this.

I wish you to be happy my dear but please don't leave me behind like that. It hurts me tremendously when I think about it. I still don't hate you or anyone because I don't believe in hate. It's the wrong path to go down.

Am I begging for her to stay? Have I gone so low? Am I desperate?

Perhaps I am all that because I am depressed. Just yesterday I was fine. Curse the show. In the end he didn't even get his wife back. He just got the job he wanted and solved his money problems and then got more money in the end. Some happiness. At least he showed all of them. Before the credits I wished that I had seen him get back with his family and become a happy family once more. But it didn't happen.

Was it because of jealousy did I turn into that shambling mound?

The pain brings back many memories of times that I let her down.

I feel regretful, wondering if this was how she felt when I did.

When she cried herself to sleep. Alas, I can't even do that. How strong.

All I can do is lay awake with this pain. And hope uselessly that it'll go away.

How strong is my desire for Jac. How strongly it hurts me.

I couldn't believe the connection between desire and suffering any more than tonight.

SengChye.