Not a gazillion apologies, nor a billion flowers each with a "sorry" on it's azure petals, nor a million beer and meal treats would atone for all the atrocities I have committed upon my friends.

I'm sorry to have to be whiny and talk about the same thing so many times now, but somehow it seems that whenever I get down to any actualy writing, I'm always feeling distress, paranoia-inducing-worry, scared that everyone will hate me and leave me and sad that it seems that everything is going wrong.

It's funny why I say sorry even though this is my blog and I can write anything I want. Perhaps I feel the need to be nice.

I had an important revelation today which had made me remember how to utilize my powers of observation again. This had made me realise how much I have changed from my former self. I find this entirely ironic for I have supposedly changed for the better yet in realisty, I have actually changed for the worse. Everyone seems to prefer my old self.

This makes very little sense to me because I had changed according to how people wanted it. I had put in every effort to analyze and remember everything that people have said to me, and how I could change to be a better person. Where could I have possibly gone wrong?

Ths more I change it seems, the more I drop into this chasm where nobody likes me anymore.

I seem to recall a scene in a movie. This boy, who had just moved out from his own war torn country had come to live with his Grandparents in some European Country. He had no friends in school and was very lonely. He couldn't speak English very well and thus was despised and teased all the time. Once his classmate sitting next to him had told him that he had a nice pen. (Or eraser or something, I cannot remember) The boy decided to give him this pen, since his classmate liked it so much. The next day however, two more of his classmates came up to him wanting pens each, including the one who had already had a pen, asking to get one more for someone else; the boy gave into all of their requests. This continued until his entire class and more wanted to have the pen. He didn't have any left so he shoplifted and gave them each a pen. Despite this, he was neither accepted nor liked. His goodwill and willingness to give was throughouly exploited. A few days later, when the school was notified of the theft, his entire class backstabbed him without any hesitation.

Here we can question, who was wrong and why did this happen and what could be done? Was the boy wrong in showing goodwill and giving up something of his to his classmate? Perhaps then he should have judged properly who he could and could not give, but they all had seemed to be so nice and genuine about that. Perhaps we should just not show any goodwill at all and be the mean ass who won't do anything for anyone.

Given a choice between all the above, I would choose to show goodwill to all even though I may be scammed because there could be a desrving soul behind all of the wolves in sheep's clothing and I would not want to miss anyone of those just because these wolves are there. Moreover, by doing this, I can find out who are the good ones and who are the leeches waiting to suck my dry and make me cynical about humanity.

I've had my go at cynicism actually. Especially about people. Humanity felt hopeless because there seemed to be fault everywhere. It was easy to criticise to judge the faults of others. Back then I wasn't aware of how hard it was to fight to not fall into any of the faults that I had so easily identified. I fight so only that I am true to my own judgements and not be a hypocrit. It really seemed so easy to avoid becoming any of the flaws when I was the judging party because I could see how the correct manner to act was and how I could see myself not committing that crime. Yet... yet...

I really cannot understand how I managed to slip so deep into the chasm. I wish I could truly find out where I had gone wrong. I wish I could talk to my closest friends and they would not show me any hostility and tell me the honest truth at what happened, and what they want and how they really feel and how I can solve all of this. There's so much angry fodder and bitter contempt that is around that I cannot asertain faull truth from half truth or no truth anymore.


I realised that I have generalised a lot in my past number of posts and I shouldn't have. Not all are guilty and I am sorry if there were any misunderstandings I have caused. Thank you for trying to help me even though you may not have been involved and I have been such a ungrateful bastard. I'm sorry for hurting you if I have. You must know that I appreciate it even though I may not have said so. My sincerest thanks and apologies.

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Sometimes, I show goodwill continuously to somebody even though the person does not receive it well and treats me as an enemy or a stranger waiting to exploit. This is only because I believe that the person is ultimately a good person and perhaps due to circumstances, the person's background or/and also offences that I, myself, might have committed to the person, the person is just unwilling to trust me, wary of dubious intentions. It hurts me everytime the show of goodwill fails. It hurts further when I am treated with mistrust as an enemy or a stranger when I'm neither and am just trying to help. It hurts me even more when on top of everything above, I am treated with hostility and am attacked. Despite of all of that abuse, I keep trying. I'm hoping that one day the person would finally understand my intentions and allow me to help, to let me in as someone close once more. Even if the offender is myself; if ascertained that fact, I will show no hesitation in dealing with myself with impartiality.

People usually don't know how hard all of this is. Or people just don't care. I wish you would fall into neither category.

tfaduh.