Haha, these days it's not easy for me to write a post. I had just deleted one short one earlier because I was afraid that people would not like the ideas given. Perhaps I'm afraid that I'd be judged and criticised for what I write here and no one would actually appreciate and praise what I think. Perhaps I'm afraid none of my writing would be good enough for any of you. Perhaps this is why you see so much less of me here nowadays.

Perhaps it's some paranoia. I don't deny not having that gene in my body. I do get overly worried quite a bit sometimes. However, with my friends drifting apart from me and my upcoming plunge into a whole new life away from everyone I know, I can't say that it isn't justified.

Sometimes I fear, because I did not spend enough time or effort being with them because I'm dealing with other problems with various people, that they'd be angry at me and because of that anger, they might not like me very much anymore. I feel that way a lot nowadays and I'm not sure if it's just sheer paranoia or perhaps it is true. Silent resentment. Perhaps it's guilt.

I'm leaving in about 2 weeks time. Just a few months ago, I envisioned myself leaving perfectly. With everyone all happy and gleeful with no sadness, or anger or jealousy or envy. I didn't expected it to be just as I dreamed it would be, but neither did I expect it to have become so much worse than I had ever expected.

I wish I had all my friends without all the barriers again. Or if it were purely my imagination, then I wish I had stopped imagining all these barriers.

Unfortunatly, another vision also rose which is much less ideal for everyone. I had visioned myself going into the airport alone and leaving everyone and everything behind forever. Intending to live a new life altogether. This isn't possible thankfully, for I believe there are more people who care about me then I actually think and as much as this appeals to me when I'm down and upset about people around me, I hate the idea completely and I will never let it happen.

Whoops. I wanted to say something good for everyone, like how they have changed my life as well as helped me etc. but it turned out to be this. A regurgitation of some of my honest fears and doubts. I guess pouring my heart out is good no? Better than hiding?

tfaduh.